Parents Seek Professional Companionship Through the Journey of Parenting [ Read More ]

Published Articles

Learn a thing or two about parenting
Bucks County Courier Times [ Read More ]

Teaching Children to be Responsible
Published in The Philadelphia Inquirer (June 24, 2004) [ Read More ]

Raising Children to Think For Themselves
Published in Bucks County Courier Times [ Read More ]

Learn a thing or two about parenting

If I've learned one thing, it's that a major obstacle to living well is thinking you know all there is to know. Sometimes you don't, and the humility to ask for help and direction can go a long way.

Especially when it comes to raising children, which, despite what your midwife told you, doesn't come naturally.

I wish I'd met parenting coach Robin Kevles-Necowitz when I was in the thick of it. I had a lot to learn.

Robin is a Lower Makefield-based therapist and educator who believes the key to helping families isn't to “fix” children, but to give grown-ups tools to manage their own parenting anxiety.

Once they do that, they can learn to parent from a loving, level-headed, thinking place, instead of from a knotted gut. And that lessens a child's anxiety, which can lead to some miracle fixes in their behavior.

The point of discipline, she stresses, isn't to win a battle, or to force a child to give in, or about punishment. It's about teaching a child to manage himself or herself through logical consequences.

Robin will talk about that and share discipline strategies for children and teens from 9:30 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. May 8 at Penns Park United Methodist Church, 2394 Second Street Pike, Wrightstown.

Can't make it during the day? She'll lead the same workshop on June 2 from 6:30 to 9 p.m. at The Peace Center, 102 West Maple Ave. in Langhorne. Cost is $75. A portion of the proceeds benefit the church or the Peace Center. You can register by calling 215-321-4411 or at Robin@ParentAssist.net.

Parenting can be an emotional roller coaster, and all we naturally know about the ride, we learned from the people who raised us. We either mimic mom's and dad's way or reject it outright. Neither approach has much to do with what is best for your son or daughter. It has more to do with your reaction to your own childhood.

And here's something else I wish somebody had told me earlier on: Get a life.

Robin teaches us to care for ourselves first, then to tend to our marriages. “Kids feed on the overflow from that,” she says. Over-involvement in a child's life can be as damaging as neglect. “I'm meeting kids who can't cope in college because they never had to do anything for themselves,” she said.

Provide a child with guardrails, she explains, and then (with all the courage you can muster) step aside and let them find their way. You can control a situation, but not the child. That's his or her job.

She'll talk about building the guardrails in the workshop.

Robin makes a living teaching parenting strategies, but what I admire is that she doesn't claim to know it all. That wasn't always the case, she confesses. Starting out, she lectured to full rooms on this stuff, and always got rave reviews. Except for the occasional mom who'd smile and say, “You're not a parent are you?”

Robin was insulted more than troubled by the question, and the birth of her first daughter only bolstered her arrogance. Her eldest is a sweet-natured, compliant child.

And then, because God has a parenting style of his own, Robin gave birth to a second daughter. With an angelic face and the stubborn defiance of a dictator, she has tested Robin every step of the way.

It was in pure despair, Robin says, that she had to put theories to the real test. In recent years, she's come away with powerful new insights about the power struggle between parent and child, and gained some compassion for other parents. She'll share her personal story about bringing peace back into her home so she could take pleasure in both girls.

I'll wager you might learn a thing or two, if you don't already know it all.

Kate Fratti, whose column appears on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, is going to be an awesome grandmother. Twenty years from now, that is.
http://www.phillyburbs.com/pb-dyn/news/257-04302008-1527035.html

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Parents Seek Professional Companionship Through the Journey of Parenting

Yardley, PA-- Seeking guidance for the most challenging job of all -- parenting-- just got easier with the launch of Parent Assist, a Parenting Coach Service. 

Parent Assist aims to reach parents who want some professional coaching through the highs and lows of parenthood.  “Parenting is wonderful, but it is also very challenging and scary at times.   Many parents are unsure about how to handle difficult stages that children go through,” says Robin Kevles-Necowitz, proprietor of Bucks County-based Parent Assist.  “I hope to provide the community with a much needed service with a light-hearted, fun, professional approach.  Raising our children is the single most important thing we do.  I want parents to feel good about their choices and confident that they are building  their children’s  self-confidence and teaching a sense of personal responsibility.” 

“I have been in private practice for 16 years and am expanding my practice because parenting is something I feel passionate about.  I want to reach parents who may not need or want therapy.  I want to reach out to parents who just want a short-term contract and direct answers to their parenting struggles.   Everything I teach, I live with my own children.  I know first hand how difficult it is to keep your cool sometimes when dealing with your children.  Parents using Parent Assist services will never feel judged.  We’re all in this parenting boat together.”

For a flat monthly fee, parents will have access to Kevles-Necowitz, a trained Parenting Instructor and Licensed Professional Counselor.  Included in the fee are face-to-face sessions in her Yardley office.  Phone and email support are also available at an additional fee.  Parents can literally have parenting assistance at their fingertips.   “Parents interested in this service have the opportunity to stop or continue service on a monthly basis, and as such there are no long-term contracts,” explains Kevles-Necowitz. 

“My goal is to help parents make great parenting choices, so their children can make great choices too.  The methods I support teach children to behave, build their belief in themselves and give them a sense of personal responsibility that will last a lifetime,” stated Kevles-Necowitz. 

Robin Kevles-Necowitz is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in Marriage and Family Therapy and lectures on parenting issues at various schools and agencies.  She has also published Commentary on this subject in The Philadelphia Inquirer and Bucks County Courier Times. Parent Assist is based in Yardley, Pennsylvania and serves the Philadelphia-Bucks County areas.  For more information, please call Robin Necowitz, Parent Assist at 215-321-4411 

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Teaching Children to be Responsible
Published in The Philadelphia Inquirer
June 24, 2004

For years, parenting experts have advised us to use tools such as reward and punishment to discipline our children. That seemed to make sense. It was logical. If we want our children to exhibit a certain behavior, reward them. Give them a treat. Give them a clear incentive to follow direction, get good grades, respect their elders, etc. Naturally, it follows that to stop unwanted behavior we should “punish” our children. We yell, spank, threaten and over-react to send a very clear message to our young ones that this is a behavior we ought not see again. Does this method of discipline work? Maybe for a moment, but at a high cost.

Reward doesn’t work because, simply put, it teaches children that they are entitled to payment for their cooperation. Therefore, they behave to get something. Punishment doesn’t work because it is an attack on self-esteem. Your relationship with your child becomes a relationship based on fear. It invites rebellion. Reward and punishment teaches our children to expect an adult to be responsible for his/her behavior. Our goal as parents is to guide our children toward self-discipline. We need to remove ourselves from the “good guy/ bad guy” role and be free to be our children’s confidants, supporters and role models.

So if we remove reward and punishment, what do we put in its place? The key to effective discipline is to establish mutual respect and to expect cooperation. Children deserve our respect. As we respect them, they will return the favor. Involving children through choices and consequences is essential to effective discipline. Teaching children that they, not us, are in charge of their lives can’t happen early enough. We struggle in this society with the “don’t blame me” mentality because from our earliest experiences, we have been taught to rely on others to tell us how to behave. We look to others to reward us when we’re good, punish us when we’re not. Imagine a world in which we took personal responsibility for our lives, our choices, and our destiny. That world is possible if we can change the way we discipline children.

Giving children choices encourages cooperation, helps them to build self-esteem and develop independence. Giving children simple choices respects their desire for control AND your desire to keep order in your home. Set limits. But provide choices within the limits. By doing this, we encourage children to develop internal control.

Examples for young children

• This is the last book we’ll be reading tonight. Would you like mommy to read it or daddy?
• It’s time to get in your pajamas. Do you want the red ones or blue ones?
• It’s time to put your shoes on. Would you like to wear your boots or your sneakers today?
• It’s time for bed. Would you like to brush your teeth first or use the potty first?

Examples for adolescents

• You must clean your room this weekend. What time this weekend would work best for you?
• I need to talk with you tonight while you are at your friend’s house. Would you like me to call there or would you prefer to call me? What time would be best for you?
• I need you to help with chores this weekend. Here is a list of what needs to get done. How would you like to split it up? What time on Sunday would work with your schedule?

Giving children freedom to choose significantly reduces power struggles. It sends a clear message that you respect them, their needs, and their need to have a say in their own lives. Children, like adults, don’t like to feel controlled. If you can avoid power struggles, you are much more likely to get what you need from your kids.

Keeping emotion (especially anger) out of consequences, avoids turning consequences into punishment. We all make choices in our lives and have consequences. Children are no different. If they won’t clean up the toys, they can’t play with them the next day. Keep it simple, no angry fits or outbursts on your end, just follow-through. Your daughter can’t seem to find the time to clean her room? Don’t find the time to take her to the mall. Parents have great power. You don’t need to yell, scream, hit or threaten to get your point across. The damage you are doing to the relationship just isn’t worth it. Discipline through choices and consequences, avoid power struggles, and allow choices within limits. These methods will teach your children to behave, build their belief in themselves, and give them a sense of personal responsibility that will last a lifetime.

Robin Kevles-Necowitz is a Parenting Coach in Yardley, PA. You may reach her at 215-321-4411 or info@parentassist.net

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Raising Children to Think For Themselves
Published in Bucks County Courier Times

As parents, we want our children to grow up as highly functioning, successful happy adults. To do this, we must parent with that end in mind. It’s easy to overdo for our children, because after all, they’re just children. But they’re not. They are little people who we are raising to be responsible adults. And what we do now influences in innumerable ways, how they function later. I think many of us agree on this theoretically, but struggle to behave in a way that respects this notion.

We are not doing our children any favors by overindulging them. Giving in to their every desire, because we are financially able or unwilling to say no, is not helping them practice self-control. When we do for our children what they can do for themselves, we disrespect them. It's important to let them struggle. Let them experience the joy of working and practicing to get that brass ring at the end. That parenting choice sets our kids up for success, because that is how the real world will treat them.

I don’t believe in “bad kids.” In my years as a Parenting Coach, I have come to understand that children all want to succeed. They all want to flourish and be happy in this world. Sometimes the environment does not allow that to happen. We are not bad parents. We want the best for our children. But sometimes we simply don’t know what that is and our children suffer despite our best intentions. Sending children to therapy to be “fixed” is not the answer. In fact, I believe we further perpetuate the issue by identifying the child as “the problem” in the family. If you are really interested in helping your children, get parenting skills counseling yourselves. You may not be doing anything “wrong.” But what you are doing may not work for this particular child. Personally, I know what worked for my older daughter certainly does not work for my younger one.

I respect parents who are committed to their child’s well-being and are willing to sacrifice their own ego to do it. We are all (myself included) doing the best we can with what we know and making mistakes in the process. None of us are perfect and perfection is not the goal. But when we know better, we can do better. It is the courageous few of us that put our money, time and energy where our mouth is.

Raising responsible children who are happy, self-disciplined and think for themselves is the goal. Finding out how we can help them toward that end is our job and responsibility as parents. My clients are amazing people. Parents who take a leap of faith to learn how to parent better have my deepest respect. Your desire to enter psychotherapy or parenting skills counseling is a profound statement of your strength as a parent, not your weakness. Our children deserve to have parents that are willing to take this parenting job seriously and learn more to do more.