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Bullying starts at home; it's parents' responsibility to stop it I am still crying for Tyler Clementi, the Rutgers freshman who committed suicide after being outed by his roommate and his friend. I am crying for him, his family, his partner, and even the perpetrators. I cry for every child being bullied and every parent of those children. Few things break a parent's heart more than watching helplessly as our children suffer at the hands of a bully. Personally, I don't remember being bullied as a child and so far I haven't experienced it with my own children, but I hear about it all the time. My extended family members have been targets as have my clients' children. The bullying, the lack of compassion for another, the seeming indifference that peers often express by turning away when seeing bullying begs the question: Where have we, as parents, gone wrong? Here are my thoughts about what isn't working. Children are spending entirely too much time with the "screen" - on the computer, watching TV, playing computer games and posting on Facebook, and other social media sites. They aren't spending nearly enough time learning how to socialize, resolve conflicts, and manage relationships. Children must learn to deal with life on their own, develop coping mechanisms, and we as parents need to get out of their way and allow them to struggle a little. Often, parents are afraid to curtail screen time because they don't want to "punish" kids. But we can say: "We are your parents, and we have decided you are spending too much time in front of a screen and not enough time in front of a human and so we are changing the rules." Did you know you can change the rules at any time in your home just by saying "new rule?" The perpetrators in the Rutgers case were very tech savvy, but not very human savvy. Their intention wasn't to drive Tyler to suicide - I'm sure they never considered that a possibility. That's exactly the problem. Kids don't always have malicious intent, but they don't think about how their choices affect another - it's often "in fun" or just a "prank." The Rutgers case is an extreme example of what happens daily in our schools. We are spending too much time preparing students to get into great colleges and not nearly enough time educating them about the human experience. Perhaps, if we took some time away from our little leagues, SAT prep courses, karate classes, and running here, there and everywhere, and sat in the quiet for a while, we would truly understand the depths of this crisis and know that our priorities are off-track. Bullying is rampant in our community, and our children are suffering. Despite anti-bullying programs in our schools, bullying is getting worse. Anti-bullying programs are not nearly enough. There needs to be a "zero tolerance" approach to bullying. First offense: suspension, second offense: expulsion. Perhaps a kid spends a night in jail if they are found to be bullying another student, even once. It's that serious. Our kids' lives are at stake. And we need to not tolerate bullying at home, between siblings. Many parents take a "siblings fight, laissez faire" attitude about sibling rivalry. But it is NOT OK to hit your sister. It is NOT OK to bully your little brother. It is NOT OK to name call each other. Moreover, the response from parents can't be to bully the child that does the bullying. That's just more of the same. There needs to be strong, clear consequences to such behavior that does not involve screaming, hitting or losing our minds. For example, you hit your brother, you are in your room for the rest of the evening. See you tomorrow when you'll get another opportunity to treat your family with love and respect. "If you put your hands on your brother or sister, it better be for a hug." Until we stop accepting unacceptable behavior from our children and respond with clear, calm, and firm consequences, I fear the bullying and its painful, tragic outcomes will continue. I pray that Tyler Clementi's death was not in vain. But that it serves as a wake up call to us that this could have been our kid. In fact, he is our kid. They are all our kids. And we need to take care of each and every one of them. ................................................................................................................ Less can be more: Making good times out of hard times As the economy continues to decline, the clients in my parent coaching practice are approaching me in a panic, "What do I tell my kids?" As I inquire further, I find that these parents are worried about talking to their kids about not being able to afford the things they once could - vacations, elaborate bar/bat mitzvahs, fancy birthday parties, expensive camps, restaurant outings, etc. What I tell these parents is that this is an amazing opportunity to shift their thinking - that this situation will improve their family life in ways they never thought possible. Parents can present this to their children not as a "problem" but as an opportunity for a new way of being in the family. A way of being that will fill them up in a way that "stuff" never could. For years I have noticed that those with "less" seem happier. It's a simpler life. They are not distracted by all the noise of excess. They stay in. They play board games. They watch a movie, cook together and talk. They play outside with friends, laugh and exercise. Those with fewer financial means seem to enjoy each other more and save their money at the same time. As I see it, this economic crisis is providing the impetus for a universal shift to save us from ourselves. The families I have seen in my practice over the past 17 years who have loads of money suffer far more than those who scrape together my fee to see me each week. And my practice is balanced with both. I learn from my clients as much as they learn from me. And as I have noticed this trend, I have experimented by taking actions to simplify my own life and observing the effects. Recently, I suggested to my family that we find something in our daily life that we would be willing to live without. I got us started. I said I would be willing to give up the computer, BlackBerry and TV every weekday between 4-8:30 p.m. (the hours my children are home from school and before they go to sleep). This really got their attention because I must admit, I have a Blackberry problem. I held my breath waiting to see the reaction. First, my husband spoke, "I will do that too." Wow. I was shocked (he has a more severe BlackBerry problem than me). Then my younger daughter (6 years old) said she would give up TV and computer during the week and watch only two hours of TV on the weekend, and my older daughter (9 years old) agreed. I was quite proud of us, but had my doubts about our ability to follow through. We did. And we didn't stop there. In my yoga class, my teacher was describing her friend's decision to stop talking on Thursdays. I thought, "Wow! That is amazing! I wonder if we could do a modified version of that in our family." I suggested it and they went for it. We are silent for 30 minutes each day. The results are in. It's quieter at my house. Behavior (and I don't just mean the kids) has improved tremendously and we seem to be enjoying each other more. We play board games each night and on the weekends we find things to do that are as inexpensive as possible. This past weekend, we went to Mercer County Park and played in the dog park with our dog nephew, Rusty. Then we rode bikes, ate our picnic lunch, and stumbled upon an ice show at the park where children were performing to music and spectators could watch for free. We all had a wonderful time and it cost nothing. I wish for every family out there that finds themselves in a different economic situation than they once were to shift their thinking. This truly is an opportunity to re-evaluate your life and priorities. Enjoy the quiet and the space that gets created by removing all the material stuff. Teach your children that "stuff" isn't what they need. All we need is each other. While we are giving up all the material things we have held onto, thinking they would help us feel secure, we will find security in love and relationships that we have most been looking for but didn't realize were lost. ................................................................................................................ How to talk to kids about the economy Layoffs, home foreclosures and the state of the economy are scary for adults, but reassuring kids they'll be cared for, no matter what, is vital, experts say. For 4 1/2 hours every weeknight, there's no television and no BlackBerry use allowed in the Necowitz household. And for an hour each day, the Lower Makefield family enjoys silence - no talking allowed. It's a way for Robin Kevles-Necowitz, her husband, Larry Necowitz, and their daughters, Arli and Zoe, to simplify their otherwise hectic lives. And simplicity is crucial if parents are to keep calm and help their children cope with the almost daily onslaught of bad economic news, said Kevles-Necowitz, a parenting coach and founder of Parent Assist in Lower Makefield. "It doesn't matter the age of the child; it matters the attitude of the parents," she said. "If the parents get clear, the child gets clear. If the parent says in a very calm and clear and neutral - neutral is the key - tone, 'There's going to be some changes, and this is why I think it's going to be good for us,' and you're not leaving a window of opportunity for doubt and concern and shame, kids respond to that." Kevles-Necowitz and other experts who work with children and parents said parents must maintain a sense of stability for their children, even if they're facing economic troubles at home. "Adults are very concerned, and are scared, and are obsessed with what's going on," said Dr. David Harwitz, a child and adolescent psychologist with the Center for Family Guidance in Evesham, Burlington County. "And that can be a very frightening situation for a child who relies on the important adults in his or her life to maintain safety and to impart a sense of security in their world. To start seeing cracks in that can be scary." The first step is to determine how much your children can understand, Harwitz said. Ask them what they've heard, and what they want to know about. Younger children won't understand broad economic terms, but older children might have more specific questions. That could turn the discussion into a valuable learning experience, he said. "Don't overwhelm them," Harwitz said. "Try to convey a sense that, 'We're OK; you're going to be OK. We're going to be taking care of you. We're concerned and it happens sometimes, even grownups get scared sometimes, but it will be handled. We are safe, you are safe.' " "It's like talking to your children about sex," said Marjorie Morgan of the Lenape Valley Foundation. "You give them the headlines of what they can understand at their developmental level, and wait to see if they have more questions. It's important to answer the questions honestly, but you don't need to go into more detail than is really necessary." Children need to be reassured Morgan, director of outpatient services at the nonprofit Doylestown counseling center, said no matter what their age, all children need to hear they'll be safe and taken care of. "Even teenagers need that reassurance from their parents," she said. "I don't think there's any need, even with teenagers, to give them a course in Economics 101. But if they do have questions, answer them honestly." A few months ago, Andrea Weiner's 10-year-old nephew ran into his house shouting, "Mom! Dad! The Dow is dropping!" Weiner, a child and educational therapist from New Hope, said the boy had no idea what that meant. But just by overhearing adult conversations, the child panicked. After his father explained what the Dow was - and the fact that the family was safe - the child calmed down, Weiner said. "Children have this incredible antenna," she said. "They will pick up on tones of voice, on facial expressions, and they'll pick up on those conversations they weren't supposed to hear. Left to their own imaginations, they'll fill in the blanks. If parents don't talk to them, they may interpret what's going on in the wrong way." Weiner, author of "The Best Investment: Unlocking the Secrets of Social Success for Your Child," said parents should take the opportunity to teach their children valuable social and emotional skills to help them deal with any of life's situations, not just the economy. "We have the ability to help these kids deal and cope better," she said. "If parents can make that investment, and teach these kids those emotional and social skills, that will be the greatest gift a parent can give a child right now." That means talking to your children from a place that isn't a place a fear, Weiner said. Focus on what the children have - not what they don't have, or cannot have. Get them involved in planning low-cost or no-cost family outings instead of that big family vacation. If you're scared, tell your kids - and let them know it's OK, Weiner said. When she was 11 years old, Weiner's father faced bankruptcy. Her parents sat down the children and explained what was happening. "All I could visualize was, we're going to be out on the street in rags," she said. "I asked, 'Mom, does this mean we're going to be really poor?' My mom turned to me with a smile. She said, 'No, we're not poor. We're rich. We have our health. We're all together. And we all love each other.' Those words come back to me all the time." Money isn't everything In her 17 years as a parenting coach, Kevles-Necowitz said she has learned that the happiest families aren't always the ones with the most money. They're often the families who have few worldly possessions and who make do with what they have. "The more stuff and money that people have, the more they feel like they have to keep enriching their children's lives in all these ways that have to do with things outside of us," she said. After seeing an episode on the "Oprah Winfrey Show" about a wealthy woman who gave up everything to pursue a much simpler life, Kevles-Necowitz said she decided to give up her cherished BlackBerry in the evenings. Her husband - who's even more addicted to the technology tool than she is - did the same. Then her 6- and 9-year-old daughters gave up television. "It feels scary because it's different, but if they can stay open to it, it's a positive experience," she said. "It's really fun to sit and try to figure out what we can do. It's shifting the way we're thinking about things, instead of thinking we need to tackle their boredom like some crisis." But what's brought the Lower Makefield family even closer is the half-hour of silence every morning and evening, Kevles-Necowitz said. During that time, they do whatever they want, from finishing homework to doing laundry - so long as it doesn't involve talking. Kevles-Necowitz said she approached the idea by simply stating that she was going to do it herself, and her husband and daughters could join her if they wanted to. "They all joined it," she said. "They just were intrigued by the fact that I wanted to do it, and they didn't want to be left out." Such an approach, Kevles-Necowitz said, can help parents and children deal with turmoil in their lives, economic or otherwise. "I wish parents could present this to their children as an opportunity for a shift in their family," she said. "This is a good thing. Kids are happy living in a shoebox. "They would live on the street in a shoebox as long as they're safe, their parents are with them, and their parents are calm." Kevles-Necowitz added. "What kids are reacting to is the panic the parents are feeling." Crissa Shoemaker DeBree can be reached at 215-345-3186 or cshoemaker@phillyBurbs.com. ................................................................................................................ Learn a thing or two about parenting If I've learned one thing, it's that a major obstacle to living well is thinking you know all there is to know. Sometimes you don't, and the humility to ask for help and direction can go a long way. Especially when it comes to raising children, which, despite what your midwife told you, doesn't come naturally. I wish I'd met parenting coach Robin Kevles-Necowitz when I was in the thick of it. I had a lot to learn. Robin is a Lower Makefield-based therapist and educator who believes the key to helping families isn't to “fix” children, but to give grown-ups tools to manage their own parenting anxiety. Once they do that, they can learn to parent from a loving, level-headed, thinking place, instead of from a knotted gut. And that lessens a child's anxiety, which can lead to some miracle fixes in their behavior. The point of discipline, she stresses, isn't to win a battle, or to force a child to give in, or about punishment. It's about teaching a child to manage himself or herself through logical consequences. Robin will talk about that and share discipline strategies for children and teens from 9:30 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. May 8 at Penns Park United Methodist Church, 2394 Second Street Pike, Wrightstown. Can't make it during the day? She'll lead the same workshop on June 2 from 6:30 to 9 p.m. at The Peace Center, 102 West Maple Ave. in Langhorne. Cost is $75. A portion of the proceeds benefit the church or the Peace Center. You can register by calling 215-321-4411 or at Robin@ParentAssist.net. Parenting can be an emotional roller coaster, and all we naturally know about the ride, we learned from the people who raised us. We either mimic mom's and dad's way or reject it outright. Neither approach has much to do with what is best for your son or daughter. It has more to do with your reaction to your own childhood. And here's something else I wish somebody had told me earlier on: Get a life. Provide a child with guardrails, she explains, and then (with all the courage you can muster) step aside and let them find their way. You can control a situation, but not the child. That's his or her job. She'll talk about building the guardrails in the workshop. Robin makes a living teaching parenting strategies, but what I admire is that she doesn't claim to know it all. That wasn't always the case, she confesses. Starting out, she lectured to full rooms on this stuff, and always got rave reviews. Except for the occasional mom who'd smile and say, “You're not a parent are you?” Robin was insulted more than troubled by the question, and the birth of her first daughter only bolstered her arrogance. Her eldest is a sweet-natured, compliant child. And then, because God has a parenting style of his own, Robin gave birth to a second daughter. With an angelic face and the stubborn defiance of a dictator, she has tested Robin every step of the way. It was in pure despair, Robin says, that she had to put theories to the real test. In recent years, she's come away with powerful new insights about the power struggle between parent and child, and gained some compassion for other parents. She'll share her personal story about bringing peace back into her home so she could take pleasure in both girls. I'll wager you might learn a thing or two, if you don't already know it all. Kate Fratti, whose column appears on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, is going to be an awesome grandmother. Twenty years from now, that is. ................................................................................................................ Parents Seek Professional Companionship Through the Journey of Parenting Yardley, PA-- Seeking guidance for the most challenging job of all -- parenting-- just got easier with the launch of Parent Assist, a Parenting Coach Service. Parent Assist aims to reach parents who want some professional coaching through the highs and lows of parenthood. “Parenting is wonderful, but it is also very challenging and scary at times. Many parents are unsure about how to handle difficult stages that children go through,” says Robin Kevles-Necowitz, proprietor of Bucks County-based Parent Assist. “I hope to provide the community with a much needed service with a light-hearted, fun, professional approach. Raising our children is the single most important thing we do. I want parents to feel good about their choices and confident that they are building their children’s self-confidence and teaching a sense of personal responsibility.” “I have been in private practice for 16 years and am expanding my practice because parenting is something I feel passionate about. I want to reach parents who may not need or want therapy. I want to reach out to parents who just want a short-term contract and direct answers to their parenting struggles. Everything I teach, I live with my own children. I know first hand how difficult it is to keep your cool sometimes when dealing with your children. Parents using Parent Assist services will never feel judged. We’re all in this parenting boat together.” For a flat monthly fee, parents will have access to Kevles-Necowitz, a trained Parenting Instructor and Licensed Professional Counselor. Included in the fee are face-to-face sessions in her Yardley office. Phone and email support are also available at an additional fee. Parents can literally have parenting assistance at their fingertips. “Parents interested in this service have the opportunity to stop or continue service on a monthly basis, and as such there are no long-term contracts,” explains Kevles-Necowitz. “My goal is to help parents make great parenting choices, so their children can make great choices too. The methods I support teach children to behave, build their belief in themselves and give them a sense of personal responsibility that will last a lifetime,” stated Kevles-Necowitz. Robin Kevles-Necowitz is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in Marriage and Family Therapy and lectures on parenting issues at various schools and agencies. She has also published Commentary on this subject in The Philadelphia Inquirer and Bucks County Courier Times. Parent Assist is based in Yardley, Pennsylvania and serves the Philadelphia-Bucks County areas. For more information, please call Robin Necowitz, Parent Assist at 215-321-4411 ................................................................................................................ Teaching Children to be Responsible For years, parenting experts have advised us to use tools such as reward and punishment to discipline our children. That seemed to make sense. It was logical. If we want our children to exhibit a certain behavior, reward them. Give them a treat. Give them a clear incentive to follow direction, get good grades, respect their elders, etc. Naturally, it follows that to stop unwanted behavior we should “punish” our children. We yell, spank, threaten and over-react to send a very clear message to our young ones that this is a behavior we ought not see again. Does this method of discipline work? Maybe for a moment, but at a high cost. Reward doesn’t work because, simply put, it teaches children that they are entitled to payment for their cooperation. Therefore, they behave to get something. Punishment doesn’t work because it is an attack on self-esteem. Your relationship with your child becomes a relationship based on fear. It invites rebellion. Reward and punishment teaches our children to expect an adult to be responsible for his/her behavior. Our goal as parents is to guide our children toward self-discipline. We need to remove ourselves from the “good guy/ bad guy” role and be free to be our children’s confidants, supporters and role models. So if we remove reward and punishment, what do we put in its place? The key to effective discipline is to establish mutual respect and to expect cooperation. Children deserve our respect. As we respect them, they will return the favor. Involving children through choices and consequences is essential to effective discipline. Teaching children that they, not us, are in charge of their lives can’t happen early enough. We struggle in this society with the “don’t blame me” mentality because from our earliest experiences, we have been taught to rely on others to tell us how to behave. We look to others to reward us when we’re good, punish us when we’re not. Imagine a world in which we took personal responsibility for our lives, our choices, and our destiny. That world is possible if we can change the way we discipline children. Giving children choices encourages cooperation, helps them to build self-esteem and develop independence. Giving children simple choices respects their desire for control AND your desire to keep order in your home. Set limits. But provide choices within the limits. By doing this, we encourage children to develop internal control. Examples for young children
Examples for adolescents
Giving children freedom to choose significantly reduces power struggles. It sends a clear message that you respect them, their needs, and their need to have a say in their own lives. Children, like adults, don’t like to feel controlled. If you can avoid power struggles, you are much more likely to get what you need from your kids. Keeping emotion (especially anger) out of consequences, avoids turning consequences into punishment. We all make choices in our lives and have consequences. Children are no different. If they won’t clean up the toys, they can’t play with them the next day. Keep it simple, no angry fits or outbursts on your end, just follow-through. Your daughter can’t seem to find the time to clean her room? Don’t find the time to take her to the mall. Parents have great power. You don’t need to yell, scream, hit or threaten to get your point across. The damage you are doing to the relationship just isn’t worth it. Discipline through choices and consequences, avoid power struggles, and allow choices within limits. These methods will teach your children to behave, build their belief in themselves, and give them a sense of personal responsibility that will last a lifetime. Robin Kevles-Necowitz is a Parenting Coach in Yardley, PA. You may reach her at 215-321-4411 or info@parentassist.net ................................................................................................................ Raising Children to Think For Themselves |
Robin Kevles-Necowitz, LPC Parent Assist 215-321-4411
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